The White House’s 2026 Employee Satisfaction Survey (Probably)

Though HR is for suckers and losers, our great President is generously affording you—his most loyal Boot-lickers and Subordinates—an opportunity to make your voices heard. Think of this survey as a cognitive test, but for your brain. While filling it out, please abide by President Trump’s personal code of conduct: be honest, be thoughtful, be unbiased. And don’t fall asleep on the job!

Truth Social handle:

Department:

TrumpCoin wallet balance:

Religion*+:

Shoe size:

Real shoe size:

Primary area of responsibility:
(a) Ballroom design
(b) Ceasefire negotiations
(c) Voter suppression
(d) Social media flame wars
(e) Pool maintenance
(f) Miscellaneous lib-owning

Previous position:
(a) Fox News host
(b) Billionaire
(c) Podcaster
(d) Reality TV personality
(e) January 6 freedom fighter
(f) Functioning alcoholic
(e) Reply guy

Which award do you think the president deserves most? Circle all that apply:
(a) Nobel Peace Prize
(b) Fields Medal
(c) Jean Hersholt Humanitarian Award
(d) MacArthur Genius Grant
(e) Best Smile
(f) Montgomery Burns Award for Outstanding Achievement in the Field of Excellence

In rating the president, would you describe his performance as
(a) tremendous
(b) phenomenal
(c) outstanding
(d) extraordinarily brilliant

Are there any areas in which you feel we could be doing a better job?
(a) No
(b) ABSOLUTELY NOT

Does this hand look healthy to you?
(a) The healthiest I’ve ever seen

My main concern for America in 2027 is
(a) Communism
(b) Reverse racism
(c) Birthright citizenship
(d) The Epstein hoax
(e) Aliens (human)
(f) Aliens (extraterrestrial)
(g) Children who would like to play soccer with their friends
(h) Low T
(i) Jimmy Kimmel

In the coming year, I would like to see the administration focus on:
(a) Starting, then ending, then starting wars
(b) Relitigating the 2020 election
(c) Repealing the 22nd Amendment
(d) Gilding additional White House surfaces
(e) Greenlighting Rush Hour 4