\n<\/p>\n
What I would say is, unfortunately, a lot of closeted men end their life by suicide. That easily could have been me. I could have been part of that statistic. Instead, I\u2019m here. I will have a lot of sadness and shame about things that I did in my past, and I will have to live with that for the rest of my life. That is on me 100%.<\/p>\n
Even going through this six years later, [The Traitors<\/em>] was my favorite show I\u2019ve ever done. I didn\u2019t really expect people to draw a line from how I showed up and played Traitors<\/em> to my past, but that happened. Unfortunately, now I have to relive what happened six years ago with my husband and with my kid, as a father. As somebody who\u2019s changed so much, to see things pop up on social media and to hear certain things\u2014it\u2019s challenging, right? That was such a traumatic time for a lot of people. It\u2019s something I\u2019m gonna always sort of have to own moving forward.<\/p>\n There are some people in the world\u2014and online\u2014that will simply never forgive you. Why do you keep putting yourself on TV?<\/strong><\/p>\n It\u2019s a great question. \u201cWhy do you keep putting yourself through this, dude? Like, go away if you don\u2019t want it.\u201d (Laughs.<\/em>) I love the entertainment industry. I love representing same sex couples who want to have kids, hosting Daddyhood<\/em> [Underwood\u2019s podcast]. Having some of my gay friends reach out and be like, \u201cIt was so cool to watch you grab Rob\u2019s backpack [on The Traitors<\/em>]. Like, that representation on television was epic to see from a gay man. Oftentimes we have to shrink ourselves when we enter these masculine spaces, and the fact that you like put your chest out was really cool to see.\u201d<\/p>\n What gets me to show up every single day is the lives that I\u2019ve saved. I say that because I\u2019ve received messages from people across not only our country, but like, because of Netflix, the world, saying, \u201cI didn\u2019t see a path out. I didn\u2019t know what my life was, but watching your story and watching what you went through helped me come out and saved my life.\u201d Those are the ones that I hold onto dearly and that motivate me, that make my skin a little thicker.<\/p>\n But don\u2019t get me wrong, I still have days where I just want to go away. (Laughs.<\/em>) I wanna live on a farm. I never want to be seen. I texted my team after the reunion\u2014I was like, \u201cI need to go away and get off camera.\u201d<\/p>\n Okay, last question: the banquet outfit. What were you thinking?<\/strong><\/p>\n I stand by it.<\/p>\n Really? Defend it.<\/strong><\/p>\n Alan Cumming went on Watch What Happens Live<\/em> and called it \u201ccastle couture.\u201d Like, if I have Alan Cumming\u2019s stamp of approval\u2026. By the time of that banquet, the dog pile was already happening on social media. I was an easy target, low-hanging fruit. We did receive a mood board from production of what that night was gonna be. And if you saw the mood board, you\u2019d be like, \u201cOkay, he showed up. He delivered. He is<\/em> the mood board.\u201d You\u2019re in Scotland playing Traitors,<\/em> and it is one of the gayest shows on television. I wanna lean into it.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n